Prancing Around in Purple Nail Polish
by LuneDe
Summary: Itachi and Kisame decide to find shelter from the rain by entering a nearby inn. Big mistake, since it is owned by Anko! Itachi X Anko Oneshot Crack pairing full of random humor because Itachi gets owned and then owns. Read to see what I'm talking about!


Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto. Keep that in mind.

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On a lonely road there was but two travelers. Both of them wore similar outfits, a dark cloak decorated with red clouds and strange hats decorated with strips of white fabric and a bell. One of the travelers appeared to have blue skin though. The shorter of the two travelers stopped in his tracks.

"Perhaps we should find shelter from the rain…" he suggested.

It was raining pretty hard. The man's purple nail polished fingers lifted his hat carefully so he could turn his black and crimson eyes toward his companion.

"Must we, Itachi-san? It's just rain."

"Unlike you Kisame-san, water is not my element. On the contrary it's fire. Also unlike Leader-sama or Konan-san I dislike the rain."

"Fine." Kisame grumbled. "There's a building up ahead."

Indeed up ahead there was an inn.

Itachi began to walk faster toward the inn while Kisame lingered a little longer in the rain. When they entered the inn they were quite a odd sight. A fish man wielding a menacing sword and a raven haired man who gave off an aura that made him seem more dangerous than the shark guy despite the fact he looked more human. Oh wait, they always looked like that!

"Customers!" giggled the owner of the inn, running toward them, no matter how strange they looked Itachi and Kisame were still customers. "I don't get much visitors around here. Everyone is indoors because of the rain….perhaps that's why you're here?" The owner was a young woman with tied up purple hair, wearing a net shirt and a unbuttoned jacket. She skipped around excitedly before grabbing Itachi's hand and seating him on a chair by a table. Kisame followed.

"What would you like?" she asked.

Itachi removed his hat and placed it on the table, shaking his head to rid his hair of precipitation. '_Kakuzu-san certainly is cheap. Can't he make these rainproof_?' he thought.

The lady smiled as she examined Itachi's features. '_Hey, he's pretty cute, but those eyes…a Uchiha_?'

Likewise Kisame removed his hat. The woman jumped back in alarm.

"Sir, I don't allow pets in here! Especially not sharks!"

"Duh, I have this skin condition…" explained Kisame.

"Oh." she turned her attention back to Itachi.

"I would like Anko(A flavor of dango, it means red bean paste)."

"You would like me?" the lady said in disbelief, she felt quite flattered though.

"Pardon?"

"My name is Anko."

"I meant the dango flavor."

"Oh. Coming right up then." Anko said sheepishly. '_I thought he wanted me…_'

"I want to go back in the rain. I'm not hungry." complained Kisame, walking back outside.

Unfortunately this left Itachi alone with Anko. She returned with several plates of dango, red bean flavored.

"All this is on the house."

"And the catch would be?"

"You're quite sharp aren't you?"

"Don't change the subject."

"An eating contest. You win and whatever you ate will be free…but if you lose, pay up."

"I accept your challenge." said Itachi, snatching a stick of dango.

"Bring it. I bet you don't even have the stomach." scoffed Anko, also taking a stick.

"We'll see."

The two of them ate furiously until they were tied, with one stick of dango left!

"Looks like I win." grinned Anko, about to eat the last of it, until Itachi snatched it right out of her mouth!

"Wrong. I win." said Itachi.

Anko gagged. "You're shameless, you know that? It had my spit on it! Don't you care about cooties?"

"Yes, I'm shameless. But now I don't have to pay for the dango. What I did was simply a small sacrifice. Cooties? Who do you think I am? A eight year old?" retorted Itachi.

"Fine. You win." grumbled Anko, admitting defeat.

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Itachi stared out the window, examining the fall of rain, he could hear Kisame's snores coming from the adjacent room.

Itachi sighed, it was a secret but he suffered from insomnia. He would not admit it but he suffered from the guilt of murdering his entire clan, except for Sasuke. He could hardly get sleep at night, screams haunted his consciousness. Sometimes Itachi wondered if this quickened his eyes descent into blindness. His eyes never truly received rest. They were always activated, awake and alert since Itachi could never close them for long to get some peace of mind. When sleep did visit him it never lasted for long, nightmares haunted him. Under that calm and cold demeanor he suffered. If he never cried was blood his tears as the rain was Pein's sorrow? Slowly Itachi's eyes drifted off to sleep.

When he woke up he was not pleased to find himself bounded up with a blindfold on his eyes.

"I already knew who you were the moment you entered." laughed a familiar voice.

Itachi's eyes didn't work but his ears did. It was Anko.

"What the hell are you doing?!" said Itachi in alarm as he felt Anko remove his Akatsuki cloak.

"Changing in front of you."

"What?!" yelled Itachi in frustration. He was either mad his cloak was being stolen or the fact Anko was changing in front of him and he couldn't see.

"You're blindfolded anyway." said Anko slyly. "But I bet you wish you could look, huh?"

"I can't see!" screamed Itachi.

Anko began to prance around in the Akatsuki cloak she was wearing. "Look at me. I'm an Akatsuki member!" Anko laughed mockingly. "Orochimaru-sama was right though, these things are comfortable. What is this material? Silk?"

Itachi didn't answer and unbeknownst to Anko he was actually concentrating on freeing himself.

"There's something missing…" realized Anko.

'_Crap. Please don't notice_.' thought Itachi.

She did. Anko stuck her hand in Itachi's mouth carefully and quickly removed what she was looking for.

"You're quite a rabid little weasel, aren't you?" hissed Anko, cradling her bite covered fingers. "You better not have rabies…" She slipped on Itachi's Akatsuki ring.

'I_ should have swallowed it_.' thought Itachi.

"You probably can't put it on those sausages you call fingers." he commented insultingly.

"You calling me fat?"

"Yes."

"So says the blind guy! It's a perfect fit." smiled Anko, examining the ring on her finger fondly. "Something's still missing…"

"What the-? Stop!" Itachi shouted angrily as Anko dug though his front pockets.

"Don't touch there!"

Anko took out a bottle of purple nail polish from his pockets when she had found it.

She began to paint her fingernails.

"That's it! No one messes with my nail polish!" yelled Itachi, breaking free from the last of his bonds. He removed his blindfold and pushed Anko against a wall, locking her lips with his in a forced kiss. Anko's eyes widened in surprise, allowing Itachi's eyes to trap her's in a genjutsu.

"You…suck…at...kissing." she lied, insulting Itachi one last time, between short gasps of breath before passing out.

"Wha-what's going on?" mumbled Kisame sleepily as he entered the room rubbing his eyes. '_It must be a dream_.' he thought. He thought its was a dream because what was happening seemed impossible. Itachi had a woman(The inn keeper?) pushed against the wall….and they were making out?! At first Kisame thought Itachi might be taking off her clothes but he was just taking back his Akatsuki cloak. This made Kisame even more confused, when did she wear it in the first place? Itachi also seemed to be taking back his ring.

"Kisame, get your belongings, we're leaving this place immediately. But first…" Itachi leaned closer to Anko so he could whisper into her ear.

"Did you really think you could toy with me and live? I won't harm you though, it would be a pity to lose such a pretty face…" Anko was unconscious so it was uncertain whether or not she had heard but she shivered when Itachi's tongue brushed against her ear so she might have. Itachi left something in her hands. "Keep it…"

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Anko woke up to find Itachi gone. She groaned, her head hurt since her senses were still messed up from the genjutsu. His words echoed in her mind as she examined the object in her hands.

"Keep it…it suits your hair."

Anko laughed softly and opened the bottle of purple varnish. She continued to paint her fingernails…

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Author's Notes: Didn't I warn you this would be crack? This is a crappy excuse for making Itachi have a guilt trip. Does he feel guilty for killing the Uchiha clan? Probably not but in this fic he's a bit remorseful.

Itachi and Anko are a bit OOC(Out of Character) I know! Itachi probably won't get owned that easily.

Itachi tired to hide the ring in his mouth but failed...Itachi means weasel so does he have rabies?!

Surprise! Surprise! I'm a closet Itachi X Anko fan!

It happens so I'm very picky the yaoi pairings I like. I like Deidara X Tobi and Zabuza X Haku but I don't like Itachi X (any male character at all.)

This is a crack-tastic fiction in where I make Itachi straight. Not for Sakura, Hinata, or Ino though. Eww! No way! SasuSaku, NaruHina, and SaIno for the win! I chose Anko because I am utterly convinced the both of them love dango! May it bind them together. Sure they never met but if you think about it when the hell did Itachi meet Ino or Hinata or Tenten just to name a few people he's paired up with?! Itachi X Anko must be the strangest crack pairing I like next to Sephiroth X Aerith. What can I say? I have a preference for villains.

_**Please review and tell me I'm not the only weirdo who likes this pairing!**_


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